Sharks

For the last few years, I've had recurrent dreams about sharks. It always starts off I'm at the beach, enjoying a nice day and then right before I dip into the water I start seeing them. They always appear as shadows at first, slowly revealing their shape until the dread sets in, sharks. Not again brain. Can't I even enjoy a relaxing wade in the sea in a safe place like my own head? Who am I kidding, as a long time anxiety sufferer, my head has never been much of a safe place.

So last night, like other nights I began to dream I was at the beach. One of the tropical variety, with a white sand beach, little cabanas and crystal clear water. Right off the bat, it was different than my typical beach dream as the beaches are never nearly so inviting. But right on time, per usual as I began to dip my toe into the warm water, I spotted the first shadow. Just like that, the once inviting water, turned deadly. The weird thing is, everyone else at the beach is still in the water. Nobody seems to care about the looming danger despite my warnings. So I sit doubting my own fear, wishing I could get in too, trying to convince myself they're not dangerous because, "Look, nobody else is scared". Except, last night, something different happened. After years of this dream being the same, we had a breakthrough. I'm not sure the significance of the who but the what was astounding. As I sat on the edge of the water, peering in, my mom sat beside me, assuring me. My stepdad walked up from behind me, reached right into the water and grabbed at a shadow. Pulling it up to the waters surface and revealing the truth. What I'd thought was a man eating monster all along, was no bigger than the palm of his hand. I waded into the warm water, with the fish swimming all around me and.. here's the finisher, I WAS NOT SCARED.

Yea man, life

Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down
It can break your heart.

Life ain't always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road
At the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it's own way
Of taking it's own sweet time.

No, life ain't always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride.

A New Year

*Finally hitting publish on a year old draft*

Only a few close friends and family know the struggle we clawed our way through these last two years. It started out innocently enough. In 2012 I found myself pregnant and ready to take on the coveted role of stay at home mom, to my soon to be born, precious son. Like the planner I am,  I spent the previous 9 months leading to his birth stashing every penny of my income into a savings account to be sure we'd always have enough to get by should my husband's business get slow. We also tested the waters for those months, making sure we could survive as a single income household. We thrived. Which is why it came as such a surprise to me that only a few months after my son's first birthday I went to the bank to withdraw the last thousand dollars I'd stashed in a CD for an eventual trip to Europe. Except we weren't going to Europe, we were using it to pay our mortgage.

What followed for the next two years, isn't a blur for me but more like a trudge, through quicksand, wearing combat boots. The harder we pulled to right ourselves, the further we got dragged under.

Let me paint a picture for you, of what once felt like the most humiliating day of my life. It was a cold day in February, as I gathered the last few documents needed by our social worker, loaded my one and a half year old into the car and drove the thirty minute drive out to the welfare office. Our case worker was so kind and Abel played with toys on the floor left in the office to help occupy kids, while we went over the details. Approved. For $400 a month in groceries and I was so grateful and humbled and about a million other emotions but mostly eager to hightail it out of there and get home before anyone saw me because this was just temporary, remember! Little did I know that this was just a splash of the humility I would receive in full on tsunami waves over the next two years. Like the wave that day my EBT card didn't work at the grocery store and I finally caved and used my checking account knowing full well the funds weren't there. I couldn't escape that store quick enough after. Like the wave the day I sold my son's old highchair on Craigslist for $15 just so I could have enough gas money to get me to my next destination. I don't know who said "money can't buy happiness" but they were wrong and obviously not poor. Money might not buy happiness but it buys you so many other things that equate to an easier life. I'll never forget the struggles we endured and they were minor in comparison to most. Aside for some credit card debt we were lucky. We kept our house and our cars because my husband lucked into a great job just in the nick of time. But wow, if my entire view of the world isn't a little bit different. Life seems jokingly easy now that that automatic deposit hits our account every two weeks but I'm no fool to think we're above it. That we're not all ridiculously close to wandering down that road again in a turn of bad events. Remember that next time you start to feel entitled. You're not, you're mostly just lucky. We're all mostly just lucky.

So now that we're not painfully broke and are starting to right ourselves again I can kind of focus on myself. It's strange how being financially stressed takes away from your creative life. All you think about is money and how to get more of it. It's like a twisting, mind bending maze that goes on and on forever. All you can think about is getting out but every time you turn a corner you've hit a wall. By the time you do actually make it out, you're too afraid to rejoice for fear it might just be a mirage. It's been 4 months and I'm still afraid to get excited but I think it's finally safe. I'm ready for some self evaluation, which is why for the first time in my adult life I've set resolutions for myself this year. For the first time in a long time I've got all kinds of hope for an amazing year and I'm going to help facilitate that. So it's simple. In this new year I'm working on 3 categories of self growth.

Mental growth in the form of reading more and spending much less mindless time in front of screens (Aka, fakebook, as my mom likes to call it). Creative growth, in the form of writing and creating art regularly. Lastly, physical growth in the form of getting my body back into fantastic shape, which will lead me to a long time goal of running a half marathon for my 30th birthday in 2017.

The Birth of Iris Aveline

Dear little girl who has rocked my whole world, I want to thank you. For transforming my views of what I once thought was a flawed body, for healing my broken heart, for allowing me a second chance to go forward as a mother confidently... your birth has been an absolute game changer on so many levels.

Sunday morning, May 17th.

I awoke to mild cramping and headed to the bathroom where to my surprise I found a mucus tinged blood when I went to the bathroom. I'd been losing what my doctor described as liquified mucus plug for almost two weeks now but this was much different. I knew this was a sign of an eminent labor but how long I had was a complete mystery. Aaron graciously spent the first part of the day scrubbing the house from top to bottom with me (nesting much?). I had a few sporadic contractions throughout the day but nothing significant. I laid down in bed with Abel at 7, thinking I should get as much sleep as possible in case things were near. Awoke at 9:30 and couldn't go back to sleep but began timing some fairly painful contractions around 11. They started about 30 minutes apart and by 2 a.m. had gotten down to 15 minutes apart. I thought for sure labor was starting up and I was really hungry. Wanting to fuel up, I got up and made myself a peanut butter and banana bagel but while up the contractions fizzled to nothing. I climbed back in bed and was able to fall asleep by 3, finally.

Monday, May 18th

We woke up at 8 and I was completely exhausted. Some more cramping and blood ensued but I wasn't so quick to believe in anything happening this time. Abel and I went about our normal routine, breakfast, showers etc. I headed to the grocery store with him around 11 to stock up on essentials in case baby was coming in the next few days. By the time we got home at 1, I was painfully exhausted and so I got the groceries put away, made us a quick lunch and turned on a movie so that I could close my eyes which I did promptly and fell asleep for 30 minutes. I woke up and sat up just slightly to check if Abel had fallen asleep yet (he hadn't) and upon sitting up felt the tiniest gush of liquid. I sat up all the way and another tiny gush followed. Not 100% sure of what I was feeling, I went to the bathroom where more water trickled involuntarily into the toilet. I was pretty sure at this point that it was my water breaking. I called my mom first and woke her from her nap and told her to head our way. I called Aaron next and told him it was time. I gathered up a few last minute things. Put on a depends to catch anything more that would come (boy did it later) and sat down on the couch to snuggle my baby. I told him that it was finally time for baby sister to come and we were both really excited. Those last snuggles were so bittersweet as I thought about leaving my big boy for the last time as an only child. Mom and Aaron arrived at almost the same time and after showering and some tearful goodbyes between us and Abel we started out the door. Abel then asked me if he could "please have that present now". I'd gotten him a big brother gift that he saw in my trunk earlier that day. It was a build a bear, bear with my voice recording inside saying "I love you Abel Magnus". I decided now would be a good time to give it to him and I'm so glad I did. Mom said he played it a thousand times over the next two days. After I gave him Barry, we had one last hug and we were off. So many feels ya'll.

I contracted mildly about every 10 minutes on the 30 minute drive to the hospital. I ate 2 lara bars on the way there trying to fuel up and Aaron swung through Arby's and bought me chicken strips before we got to the hospital too. Me and Aaron had a tearful hug in the parking lot when he asked me, whatever happened to be strong and not leave him. We were both so very afraid of me hemorrhaging again and ultimately of me dying this time. I was not completely convinced I'd make it out of that hospital alive. The thing I'd feared for 9 straight months was upon me. I told him that in a way I already felt relieved, whatever the outcome, I was about to face my worst fears head on and I'd be on the other side of them soon. The thought was relieving.

We got up to L&D and were greeted by a familiar face. Yaya, the same nurse who had held Abel's hand on our hospital tour checked us into our room. Two more amazing nurses came and did my initial evaluation once I was undressed and in bed. One, a practicing nurse midwife, the other, a survivor of postpartum hemorrhage who went on to normal subsequent births. Thankful the universe sent those ladies that day. They listened to the sob story of what was Abel's birth in horror. Horror at what all had gone wrong, horror at how negligent the hospital had been in giving me proper care. Any time a health care provider sympathizes with the story of his birth, it's healing for me. It confirms my ill treatment. It confirms I deserved better that day.

By now it was nearing 7 which brought a shift change in the nurses. Our new nurse Amanda, a middle aged, English woman with 4 daughters of her own introduced herself. She would become like an angel to me by the morning hours. I'm forever grateful for the respect and honor I was given by everyone in the hospital that night.

By now my contractions had completely stalled. I was feeling very out of place and uncomfortable, wishing so badly I was home with Abel as his bed time neared and I received a call from my mom that he was distraught and fighting sleep. I walked the halls for about an hour and a half by myself worrying about him but received a text of his sleeping face not long after the first call. Now I could focus on the task at hand. I headed to the room and bounced on a birthing ball, nothing. At around 9 I crawled in bed to see if maybe I could sleep. Within minutes, pain began shooting up from my pelvis. Not contractions but like a power drill to the cervix kind of pain as I felt the baby turning and turning inside. I went back to the ball and was quickly losing my grip on handling the pain. It was a very shocking sort of feeling, very different from the slow build of a contraction and I kept shouting "what is this?". At next check I'm still only 3-4 cm dialated. I know I won't be able to relax with this pain and so we call for the epidural.

Midnight, Tuesday, May 19th

The epidural man gets there just in time as I've began to roll around in this unfamiliar pain. All the while still no real regular contractions felt by me or picked up by the monitor. Our anesthesiologist has the personality of a wet fish but Aaron says he liked that. That you want a serious man on the job when you're talking about putting needles in someones spine. Here is the part where I become a believer in modern day birthing interventions. Within minutes, I'm laying on the bed with the warmest, most comfortable sensation running through my body. My contractions are gone but alas, no they aren't! The monitor now shows regular strong contractions roll across the monitor even though I feel no more than a slight burn in my left side through a few of them. It's funny what your body can do when you relax enough to allow it. At this point Amanda dims the lights and Aaron makes up his bed and goes to sleep. The next few hours are sort of magical for me. All of the things I'd wished for with Abel's birth were coming true with this one with the help of modern medicine. I lay in the dimly lit room, too excited and nervous to sleep, thinking by morning I'd be meeting my daughter. I watched in awe as a thunderstorm rolled in and lightning lit up the sky outside my window. I was so ready.

2 a.m.

I've begun to feel quite a bit of pain in my left side and the nurse instructs me on how to use the "juice button" to give myself enough of the epidural until that spot goes numb. It works and she checks me soon after. 5 cm. My doctor had given me till 3, (12 hours after my water broke) to start pitocin if things weren't moving along. I make the decision at this point to go ahead with the pitocin to see how it helps me progress. She administers the smallest dosage possible, just 3 ml, and then leaves the room. I finally drift off to sleep.

4 a.m.

I'm awoken to the nurse coming into the room. She informs me that the babies heart rate had decelerated and instructs me to roll to my side. I do and immediately can feel everything again in my left side. One more decel on the monitor and she turns off my pitocin drip. I'm now moaning pretty good through contractions and she decides to check my progress, 8 cm! I wake Aaron up because I'm needing him to help me cope through contractions at this point they're coming so strong. I don't know why but the nurse feels prompted to check me again, no more than 10 minutes later and I'm now at 10 cm, complete and babies head is presenting. This explains the heart rate decels, they're pretty common when baby begins entering the birthing canal. The room suddenly comes alive with people as she rushes out to call the doctor in. What a great feeling to see so many people standing by ready to assist me or baby given the need. The nurse informs me that the doctor is on his way but lives 25 minutes away and at this point I'm thinking there's no way in hell he's going to make it. Fear freezes over me as I picture a scenario where I bleed out with no doctor there to assist me. At this point I'm groaning through the contractions and I can feel her head trying to make its way down. I think I counted 6 contractions like that before I heard the news that the doctor had arrived. I'd never been so happy to see someone! He walked in and sat down and instructed me to "show me what you've got".

4:40 a.m.

In the next contraction I bare down and push and instantly feel the all too familiar feeling of her head crowning. I screamed in pain and bore down again to push passed it and instantly her head was out. One more good push and I felt her making her final exit. They lifted her up to me as her arms flailed and her ferocious screams filled the room, I was instantly in love. I cried "oh my god, oh my god she's beautiful" over and over again realizing she was healthy and perfect in every way. I suddenly remembered that the moment I had to face my biggest fear was upon me as I waited to feel my blood exiting at an alarming rate I asked over and over again "am I ok? Is my bleeding ok?". Everyone continually assured me that it was. The placenta was delivered and a drip of pitocin was started and the hemorrhage I'd feared, never came. The doctor reassured me one last time that I was alright before heading back home and I spent the next hour staring into the eyes of the little one who I'd feared I might never get very long with. She nursed and fell asleep perfectly on my chest before I gave the nurses the ok to take her to be weighed. 6 pound and 12 ounces, such a little lump who restored my heart completely that day and has been stealing it piece by piece ever since. This is the story of your birth, little Iris. Not poetic because I'm sleep deprived and can't concentrate right now but absolutely perfect in every way. Thank you for choosing me. I'm going to spend the rest of my days loving you and your brother. I couldn't be happier that I was blessed with the rest of my life for doing just that.

Our Downtown Maternity Photoshoot

I started dreaming up ideas for this shoot back in early January. The first visions I had were for lifestyle photos in our home. I still hope to bring that idea to life one day, maybe once the baby arrives. I quickly had to shift gears when I realized we were running out of time and money to do necessary house repairs that would make the house presentable enough for pictures. A lot of the rooms are completed now but our bedroom, where I wanted to take the majority of pictures, just recently received its first coat of primer on the walls and up until then was a mess of unfinished drywall. So plan b, I started imagining a bright, fun, downtown styled photo shoot and that's exactly what we did! A close friend and amazing photographer graciously offered to gift us these photos. She'll never know what it really meant to us. We probably wouldn't have been able to have any done otherwise so I'm forever grateful to her for spending an entire weekend day with us (when she's a working mom all week long). Go show her some love on Facebook, Alison Marie Photography or on her website at http://www.alisonmariephoto.com/.

The weather was perfect and even though Abel was feeling less than friendly for the first hour and we lost a third of our balloon supply before taking our first picture she still managed to capture exactly what I'd envisioned. Scroll through and enjoy some of my favorites!

Aveline's Nursery

Before I get started I just have this to say that this nursery is my precious gem. As someone who loves interior design, I doubt I'll ever complete a project I love more. It isn't very often as a woman, I feel completely freed to express my feminine loves so truthfully all in one space and so I took full advantage in Aveline's Nursery. One day, I'll probably own a house completely plastered in peach walls and floral motives but until then I like to just go sit in her room and smile. 

My inspiration for this room came almost solely from Pinterest. I started pinning girly nurseries long before we even knew she was a girl. Many great ideas didn't make the cut but I think the one's that did came together beautifully. Enjoy!

This custom piece was one of my first visions brought totally to life by my husband's younger oober talented brother. It's the centerpiece of the room and I just love how it pulls everything together. I will cherish it always. If you're looking for a custom piece don't hesitate to contact me for his info, he's awesome!

The dresses were mine as a baby which adds an extra sweet touch I think. 

The little bird hangers were actually drawer pulls I scored at Hobby Lobby.

Plain white panels purchased from Walmart for $15. I spruced them up with pom pom trim, really simple.

I DIYed the tissue poms myself. I'll never buy the premade kind again, so easy and cheap to do yourself guys!

We turned an old bookshelf into a small closet/storage area. Had to have somewhere to hang all of those dresses!

Last but not least, a sweet gift from a friend who also gifted us maternity photos! Look out for a post with those in them coming really soon, *swoon*.

A Letter To Three Year Old Abel

Dear sweet baby boy,

Today we celebrated your 3rd birthday with yet another party we won't soon forget. Big gifts this year from us were a new (to us) swing set for the backyard and a bicycle! In your usual style you took to the bike immediately, nearly mastering it by the end of the day.

Things I noted about you today, your absolute love of people. Everyone you adore was here and that made you the happiest boy in the world. You skipped from person to person taking it all in. Your need for quite reflection, even amongst the people you love, stood out to me. At one point you brought your toys into the house to play alone and uninterrupted. I understand those feelings very well. The color of your eyes, they are brilliant. Like a stormy cloud raging amongst flickers of the brightest greens. Your sensitivity, when daddy had to correct you, instead of pushing back against him you broke into a hug with him. Keep that forever.

You tell me several times a day to ask you "Abel, How'd you know that?" when you do or say anything impressive and then immediately beam back the response "nothing" after I've asked. You're so proud of yourself.

You ask about 50 times a day "mommy, what your favorite part was?" in reference to my favorite part of that day. Most often my favorite is just being with you little love and on most days you echo that sentiment.

I don't know what I did right, to be given this gift of being your mother. You're the most fascinating, kind, compassionate, soulful, silly, loving little creature I've ever met. I love you through and through, to the moon and I know you love me to the sun because you tell me all of the time. Right now, I'm the center of your whole world and it's a privilege I'm not worthy of in the least but I treat it like the golden gift it is every day that I get to be with you. From now until forever, you're my favorite part of living. No matter who you decide to be in this life, you'll always be my everything little boy. Always, always and forever. My heart bursts with love for you, enough to fill the canyons. Happy 3rd birthday party. Looking forward to many, many more years of watching you grow.