Dear little girl who has rocked my whole world, I want to thank you. For transforming my views of what I once thought was a flawed body, for healing my broken heart, for allowing me a second chance to go forward as a mother confidently... your birth has been an absolute game changer on so many levels.
Sunday morning, May 17th.
I awoke to mild cramping and headed to the bathroom where to my surprise I found a mucus tinged blood when I went to the bathroom. I'd been losing what my doctor described as liquified mucus plug for almost two weeks now but this was much different. I knew this was a sign of an eminent labor but how long I had was a complete mystery. Aaron graciously spent the first part of the day scrubbing the house from top to bottom with me (nesting much?). I had a few sporadic contractions throughout the day but nothing significant. I laid down in bed with Abel at 7, thinking I should get as much sleep as possible in case things were near. Awoke at 9:30 and couldn't go back to sleep but began timing some fairly painful contractions around 11. They started about 30 minutes apart and by 2 a.m. had gotten down to 15 minutes apart. I thought for sure labor was starting up and I was really hungry. Wanting to fuel up, I got up and made myself a peanut butter and banana bagel but while up the contractions fizzled to nothing. I climbed back in bed and was able to fall asleep by 3, finally.
Monday, May 18th
We woke up at 8 and I was completely exhausted. Some more cramping and blood ensued but I wasn't so quick to believe in anything happening this time. Abel and I went about our normal routine, breakfast, showers etc. I headed to the grocery store with him around 11 to stock up on essentials in case baby was coming in the next few days. By the time we got home at 1, I was painfully exhausted and so I got the groceries put away, made us a quick lunch and turned on a movie so that I could close my eyes which I did promptly and fell asleep for 30 minutes. I woke up and sat up just slightly to check if Abel had fallen asleep yet (he hadn't) and upon sitting up felt the tiniest gush of liquid. I sat up all the way and another tiny gush followed. Not 100% sure of what I was feeling, I went to the bathroom where more water trickled involuntarily into the toilet. I was pretty sure at this point that it was my water breaking. I called my mom first and woke her from her nap and told her to head our way. I called Aaron next and told him it was time. I gathered up a few last minute things. Put on a depends to catch anything more that would come (boy did it later) and sat down on the couch to snuggle my baby. I told him that it was finally time for baby sister to come and we were both really excited. Those last snuggles were so bittersweet as I thought about leaving my big boy for the last time as an only child. Mom and Aaron arrived at almost the same time and after showering and some tearful goodbyes between us and Abel we started out the door. Abel then asked me if he could "please have that present now". I'd gotten him a big brother gift that he saw in my trunk earlier that day. It was a build a bear, bear with my voice recording inside saying "I love you Abel Magnus". I decided now would be a good time to give it to him and I'm so glad I did. Mom said he played it a thousand times over the next two days. After I gave him Barry, we had one last hug and we were off. So many feels ya'll.
I contracted mildly about every 10 minutes on the 30 minute drive to the hospital. I ate 2 lara bars on the way there trying to fuel up and Aaron swung through Arby's and bought me chicken strips before we got to the hospital too. Me and Aaron had a tearful hug in the parking lot when he asked me, whatever happened to be strong and not leave him. We were both so very afraid of me hemorrhaging again and ultimately of me dying this time. I was not completely convinced I'd make it out of that hospital alive. The thing I'd feared for 9 straight months was upon me. I told him that in a way I already felt relieved, whatever the outcome, I was about to face my worst fears head on and I'd be on the other side of them soon. The thought was relieving.
We got up to L&D and were greeted by a familiar face. Yaya, the same nurse who had held Abel's hand on our hospital tour checked us into our room. Two more amazing nurses came and did my initial evaluation once I was undressed and in bed. One, a practicing nurse midwife, the other, a survivor of postpartum hemorrhage who went on to normal subsequent births. Thankful the universe sent those ladies that day. They listened to the sob story of what was Abel's birth in horror. Horror at what all had gone wrong, horror at how negligent the hospital had been in giving me proper care. Any time a health care provider sympathizes with the story of his birth, it's healing for me. It confirms my ill treatment. It confirms I deserved better that day.
By now it was nearing 7 which brought a shift change in the nurses. Our new nurse Amanda, a middle aged, English woman with 4 daughters of her own introduced herself. She would become like an angel to me by the morning hours. I'm forever grateful for the respect and honor I was given by everyone in the hospital that night.
By now my contractions had completely stalled. I was feeling very out of place and uncomfortable, wishing so badly I was home with Abel as his bed time neared and I received a call from my mom that he was distraught and fighting sleep. I walked the halls for about an hour and a half by myself worrying about him but received a text of his sleeping face not long after the first call. Now I could focus on the task at hand. I headed to the room and bounced on a birthing ball, nothing. At around 9 I crawled in bed to see if maybe I could sleep. Within minutes, pain began shooting up from my pelvis. Not contractions but like a power drill to the cervix kind of pain as I felt the baby turning and turning inside. I went back to the ball and was quickly losing my grip on handling the pain. It was a very shocking sort of feeling, very different from the slow build of a contraction and I kept shouting "what is this?". At next check I'm still only 3-4 cm dialated. I know I won't be able to relax with this pain and so we call for the epidural.
Midnight, Tuesday, May 19th
The epidural man gets there just in time as I've began to roll around in this unfamiliar pain. All the while still no real regular contractions felt by me or picked up by the monitor. Our anesthesiologist has the personality of a wet fish but Aaron says he liked that. That you want a serious man on the job when you're talking about putting needles in someones spine. Here is the part where I become a believer in modern day birthing interventions. Within minutes, I'm laying on the bed with the warmest, most comfortable sensation running through my body. My contractions are gone but alas, no they aren't! The monitor now shows regular strong contractions roll across the monitor even though I feel no more than a slight burn in my left side through a few of them. It's funny what your body can do when you relax enough to allow it. At this point Amanda dims the lights and Aaron makes up his bed and goes to sleep. The next few hours are sort of magical for me. All of the things I'd wished for with Abel's birth were coming true with this one with the help of modern medicine. I lay in the dimly lit room, too excited and nervous to sleep, thinking by morning I'd be meeting my daughter. I watched in awe as a thunderstorm rolled in and lightning lit up the sky outside my window. I was so ready.
2 a.m.
I've begun to feel quite a bit of pain in my left side and the nurse instructs me on how to use the "juice button" to give myself enough of the epidural until that spot goes numb. It works and she checks me soon after. 5 cm. My doctor had given me till 3, (12 hours after my water broke) to start pitocin if things weren't moving along. I make the decision at this point to go ahead with the pitocin to see how it helps me progress. She administers the smallest dosage possible, just 3 ml, and then leaves the room. I finally drift off to sleep.
4 a.m.
I'm awoken to the nurse coming into the room. She informs me that the babies heart rate had decelerated and instructs me to roll to my side. I do and immediately can feel everything again in my left side. One more decel on the monitor and she turns off my pitocin drip. I'm now moaning pretty good through contractions and she decides to check my progress, 8 cm! I wake Aaron up because I'm needing him to help me cope through contractions at this point they're coming so strong. I don't know why but the nurse feels prompted to check me again, no more than 10 minutes later and I'm now at 10 cm, complete and babies head is presenting. This explains the heart rate decels, they're pretty common when baby begins entering the birthing canal. The room suddenly comes alive with people as she rushes out to call the doctor in. What a great feeling to see so many people standing by ready to assist me or baby given the need. The nurse informs me that the doctor is on his way but lives 25 minutes away and at this point I'm thinking there's no way in hell he's going to make it. Fear freezes over me as I picture a scenario where I bleed out with no doctor there to assist me. At this point I'm groaning through the contractions and I can feel her head trying to make its way down. I think I counted 6 contractions like that before I heard the news that the doctor had arrived. I'd never been so happy to see someone! He walked in and sat down and instructed me to "show me what you've got".
4:40 a.m.
In the next contraction I bare down and push and instantly feel the all too familiar feeling of her head crowning. I screamed in pain and bore down again to push passed it and instantly her head was out. One more good push and I felt her making her final exit. They lifted her up to me as her arms flailed and her ferocious screams filled the room, I was instantly in love. I cried "oh my god, oh my god she's beautiful" over and over again realizing she was healthy and perfect in every way. I suddenly remembered that the moment I had to face my biggest fear was upon me as I waited to feel my blood exiting at an alarming rate I asked over and over again "am I ok? Is my bleeding ok?". Everyone continually assured me that it was. The placenta was delivered and a drip of pitocin was started and the hemorrhage I'd feared, never came. The doctor reassured me one last time that I was alright before heading back home and I spent the next hour staring into the eyes of the little one who I'd feared I might never get very long with. She nursed and fell asleep perfectly on my chest before I gave the nurses the ok to take her to be weighed. 6 pound and 12 ounces, such a little lump who restored my heart completely that day and has been stealing it piece by piece ever since. This is the story of your birth, little Iris. Not poetic because I'm sleep deprived and can't concentrate right now but absolutely perfect in every way. Thank you for choosing me. I'm going to spend the rest of my days loving you and your brother. I couldn't be happier that I was blessed with the rest of my life for doing just that.
